It's Never Too Cold for a Popsicle

Boston and beyond

2007-04-10T21:17:00.000-04:00

I spent the weekend after my birthday (still celebrating, of course!) in Beantown with my mom and my lil sister. It was good to get away from home for a little while, get quality time with my family, and take pictures again...
Boston's downtown area is so neat... buildings from "ancient" history, or at least as far back as this country goes. I got a little obsessed with taking pictures of some of the headstones in the old cemeteries... my sister refused to set foot in one more church or graveyard by the end of the day!

This is Revere Park, with the Old North Church in the background. I love the story of Paul Revere.... that must have been an incredibly exciting and scary time to live in this country. Our forefathers were rebels, man!

We visited Harvard University and caught part of the unofficial tour of "Hahvahd" by some of the students. It was highly entertaining. Harvard's library is IMMENSE.

We ended the day in the North End, at Giacomo's Ristorante, a restaurant that we had to wait an hour and a half for a table, but the food was worth it. Rigatoni with sausage, portabellos, and broccoli rabe in a plum tomato and smoked mozzerella sauce. To die for. And normally I don't eat fungus.

More pictures coming SOON. Spring is here and photo-taking will resume with a passion. I'm looking into making photography generate some income for me... cross your fingers!

I'm not dead yet!

2007-03-19T23:48:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm not! I haven't been here for a couple months, and I am sorry. I'm sorry to those of you who actually visit and I miss the chance to keep posting my photos. It's been a busy, hectic, anxious couple of months, including a car accident that took my car from me for almost a month. I'm injury-free, thank goodness, but financially it took it's toll. I'm back on my feet, though, and two days away from turning the big 3-0....

This was the very beginning of March, on a perfect Friday afternoon... the sun was just starting to go down and the sky was a perfect blue.

This was not such a perfect day.... the sun was out, but it was a high of about 8 degrees that day. The walkway goes out into the lake, which was frozen over. Where the stone wall ends on the right is the beginning of the water.

This is my parents' cat... the snow was so high that she could actually climb up on TOP of the birdhouse if she wanted. This seemed to be her preferred position, though.... but I don't think the birds were falling for it!

I hope you all are doing well, and I'll be around for a visit here soon!

Stop Flashing Me!!!

2007-01-13T00:04:00.000-05:00

One of the things I've been trying out a lot lately is using the natural or just the existing light when I'm taking pictures. I'm getting better at steadying my hand without using a tripod or flat surface to set the camera on.

This series is my "Ode to Pottery Barn":

I can see how the natural light in these makes such a huge difference. Everything is just a little softer... no real hard lines...

I think this picture is really cute. These toes belong to my brother's nieces and they insisted my sister paint their toes last time we saw them. I wish I had another picture of them as they were posing for this one... arms around each other, staring down at their toes...

I love the contrast of neon in the dark, and this has the reflection on the glass as well. This is the regionally-famous Dinosaur Barbecue, the best pulled pork in the North. A genuine honky-tonk where you can find bikers and businessmen sitting side by side on any given day, it's a great place for a sandwich, a beer, and some great music. No, they didn't pay me for this endorsement.... but that's an idea...

Tiddle Your Wink

2007-01-07T11:37:00.000-05:00

My brother is a good sport, most of the time. He doesn't like losing games and can get sulky when even his football team has a bad day, but for some reason, when it's just me and him, he does alright with losing.

It was just me and him last night at the parents' house. Lil sis and I had gone shopping all day and so I was hanging out there, eating free dinner and chillin'. Sometimes I get in these moods to play games from my childhood, so I pulled out Battleship and Tiddlywinks. We had to read the rules of Tiddlywinks, because all I remember from playing as a child is pursuing the little plastic disks all over the dining room floor!

Can you find the flying wink in this photo?

We played with catching the winks mid-air with the camera. It was a challenge, but so much fun!

This wink almost made it into the 100 hole in the board, but ended up skipping over... We must have spent at least an hour or more playing. My brother is the Tiddlywink champ.

I took this one with no flash... adjusting the light levels needs some more playing... but I love the textures.

The Dailies

2007-01-04T22:43:00.000-05:00

That's what I've taken to calling my resolution photos. The Dailies. Makes it sound all official-like. I haven't taken any outside shots since Monday, much to my regret, but it calls upon my imagination to be more creative here at home, too.

My view through the kitchen window. Where's my window washer?!?

The Holy Family in a chili pepper. An ornament from my friend Paul. The lighting was really hard to get on this one.

This one is today's.... and I love it. I LOVE it. I got this figurine in an import shop in Orlando, FL. I am inspired by it constantly. There's a power in the pose that's undeniable. I love how the light washes out the left upper edges of the figure. In this picture, I think of the figure being in the presence of God, hiding his face in humility and God just washing over him.

The Year of 30

2007-01-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

This is the year I turn 30. Granted, I still have a few months of 29 left, but instead of being scared, panicked, and depressed, this is the year I am going to celebrate my life and myself and make it a year of acceptance, new beginnings, and growth.

One of the things I will do this year is take at least one picture a day. This will stretch my photographic imagination and also get me out on those days when I just don't FEEL like it.

Another thing I plan to do is make a list of at least 52 people, and once a week, write them a note about how they've impacted my last thirty years. There are people out there that have changed who I am in such amazing ways and I want them to know.

Thirdly, I'm going to kick my diabetes in the ass. I'm going to shed the weight that is holding me back and I'm going to get off my medications. I'm going to go to the gym and exercise at least three times a week and this is for ME, not for my family, not for a future spouse, for ME.

I'm going to get my finances in control. I'm going to finish paying off those annoying bills that I've been neglecting for months. I'm going to feel the control and lose the anxiety.

So far, this is my list. I will be adding to it as we get further in to the Year of 30. I really want to push myself. I didn't like 29. There was a lot of pain, a lot of suffering, and maybe that was in preparation for 30. I can only hope.

Happy New Year.

The City at Christmastime

2006-12-13T12:44:00.000-05:00

I love New York City. I love it any time of year- cold and blustery, hot and sticky, when the leaves are falling, or when they're just starting to peek out of their buds... but my favorite time in NYC is Christmastime.

There's something magical about the city at Christmas. The lights, the decorations.... it makes me feel like a kid again. I was just there last weekend, and I think each time I go, I see my favorite places with new eyes.

This is Cartier, in which I have not ever been, but they decorate a little differently every year. I love the boxes all tumbling down the building.

I think the Chrysler building is my favorite building in New York. I love the architecture, the clean look... it has it's own presence among the rest of the skyscrapers.

The clock at Grand Central Station- where my grandparents arranged to meet during WWII when my grandfather had leave for 72 hours. I think that's incredibly romantic.

I like this picture... I think that may be the Plaza Hotel on Central Park that's reflected... not sure...

Me and my friends at Rockefeller Center! The must-see place for every tourist to NYC, especially during the holidays.

Update on my diabetes: Thank you for your kind comments and thoughts. The initial shock took me a little while to get over. I'm on an extra medication to help my body use it's own insulin and I test my blood sugar level twice a day. So far, I've been staying in normal levels. I see the doctor in a week.

Diabetes

2006-11-17T10:56:00.000-05:00

I have it.

I just got back from the doctor, and I have diabetes. I haven't told anyone yet. I can't stop crying.

I'm supposed to be at work. I'm not going to go. How am I going to work when I can't even breathe?

Suddenly I'm plunged into this... category, this pool of people that are diseased. And I'm diseased. And I feel like it's my fault. I did this to myself. If I had been more disciplined or more motivated or.... whatever... then this wouldn't have happened.

It'll get better... I think.

Autumn has Fallen...

2006-10-27T01:37:00.000-04:00

It's the end of fall here in upstate NY. These photos were taken a few weeks ago, when the colors were at their peak. Now, we've seen the first of the evil white substance that shall not be named and it's getting cold and the trees are shedding their beautiful raiment at an alarming rate.

This was an experiment to see if I could focus on the reflected image. I'm kinda happy with the result.
One of my favorite stops on my way to my parents house. The water was almost still... and the reflection was so pretty. I love the way the shadow played on the trees, creating a double skyline, almost.

This is the pheasant that has come to follow my parents around like a puppy. They think it was raised and released- several government programs like that around to increase the population of certain species- and so it was no so afraid of us. He came within 2-3 feet of me, showing very little fear.

Have a happy Halloween, everyone. May all you have more candy than the lil ghouls can take from you.

Soundtrack for a 20-something Date

2006-10-09T21:37:00.000-04:00

This is the cover of my latest CD compilation. I've been on a few first dates lately, with no forthcoming second dates, and I decided, instead of calling them "first dates", I would dub them "free meals". This is pretty bluntly the truth, and it saves my ego just a little.

So, I was thinking... there are songs that pump me up for a date and songs that soothe my rejection afterward and songs that generally put me in the mood for relationships. Why not put some of those songs together on one CD for me?

And I did. Behold- "Free Meal".

1. SexyBack- Justin Timberlake This song pumps me up, gets my energy flowing and reminds me that I'm a sexy lady. Gotta put a couple of those vibes out on a first date, right?

2. Where Are You Going- Dave Matthews Band I would love to have a man feel/think/say/sing these things to me. My favorite line "wherever you go, there I belong". It's about just being with each othere in a way that is simple, yet devoted.

3. Falling for the First Time- Barenaked Ladies This is a song about contradictions that are the reality of life. "Everyone perfect is lying, everything easy has it's cost.... " but it's not cynical, ending "... maybe the worst is behind".

4. So Pure- Alanis Morissette I have loved this song for years, particularly because it starts, "You from New York, you are so relevant" and I overidentify! It's a song to dance to with abandon.

5. Somebody- Bonnie McKee A song about waiting to find the one, knowing he's out there, waiting for him to show up.

6. These Words- Natasha Beddingfield This is the "I Love You" song from Ms. Beddingfield. I am (impatiently) waiting for the day when I can say this with as much enthusiasm as she sings it.

7. Life Less Ordinary- Carbon Leaf Great band, great song... A life less ordinary is what I want, and the point of view in this songs smacks of hope even after rejection.

8. Stay- Dave Matthews Band This song is about love in a simple sense, very tangible and fun and it's a song that makes me sing at the top of my lungs.

9. Suddenly I See- K T Tunstall I'm taken with this woman's voice ("Black Horse and a Cherry Tree") and this song is so... real. She sings about a woman who affects all she passes, so beautiful and good, and "suddenly I see, that's the way I want to be"... and it's the way I want to be.

10. Milkshake- Kellis Just 'cause. High energy, sexy, fun.

11. Knees of My Bees- Alanis Morissette The man Alanis describes, or at least the impact he has on her is what I want. Also, I like the aliteration of "you make the knees of my bees weak".

12. Shine- Collective Soul Almost a prayer, it's a request to find love, the true kind of love.

13. Unwritten- Natasha Beddingfield I love this song. LOVE it. It makes me feel like I can do anything, I just need to be who I am.

14. Gotta Jibboo- Phish Total nonsense, makes me want to dance, especially because I think of my sister and her husband and how they dance to it. Makes me happy.

15.Born to Fly- Sara Evans I belt this song out at the top of my voice. If I could find somewhere to do karaoke, this would be my signature song. The release in this song, the hope... *sigh*.

16. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy- Big & Rich Irreverent, sassy and fun. Makes me laugh.

17. Let It Be- Beatles This ends my collection, because, no matter what happened or how good or bad my date was, I have to let it go and keep moving forward.

There you have it.... and I've spent the last few days listening to it, over and over....

Alpacas on Parade

2006-10-05T23:59:00.000-04:00

This is an alpaca. Actually, it's two alpacas, but you know what I mean. Last weekend, I visited a local alpaca farm with a friend of mine. My friend wants to raise her own herd of alpacas. They're fairly docile, friendly and such cute animals...

I'm not sure of this girl's name, but she's a young lady alpaca. She was pretty good about letting lots of little kids pet her. One lil man, must've been between 1 and 2 years old, wandered around behind her in his courageous exploration of the barn and she was instantly curious. She wiggled free of her owner and followed him, finally "kissing" him on the head! It was ADORABLE!!! The owner says she loves little kids because they are smaller than she is.

I believe this is Gretel, one of the sheep (and if someone knows what kind they are, please tell me!!! It's on the tip of my brain... ) who was also VERY friendly. She didn't want me to stop petting her.

It was a beautiful day to be out in the country. The leaves are just starting to change and the scent, the earthy perfume of autumn was filling my nose... The smell of fall always makes me feel young again, nostalgic for that first month of school, of coming home in the golden hours of the afternoon when it seems like nothing can be wrong with life...

May your autumn days be golden and crunchy, your autumn nights be chilly and snuggly, and may apple pies always fill your table.

2006-10-01T20:41:00.000-04:00

Oh look at how she listens

She says nothing of what she thinks

She just goes stumbling through her memories

Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, “Hey,How did I come to this?

I dream myself a thousand times around the world,

But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her

And she’d do anything to fill it in

But all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different

She prays to God most every night

And though she swears it doesn’t listen

There’s still a hope in her it might

She says, “I pray

But they fall on deaf ears,

Am I supposed to take it on myself?

To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her

And she’d do anything to fill it in

And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now

It feels like cold blue ice in her heart

When all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door

Says take what you can from your dreams

Make them as real as anything

It’d take the work out of the courage

But she says, “Please

There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,

I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her

And she’d do anything to fill it in

And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now

It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart

She feels like kicking out all the windows

And setting fire to this life

She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright

But all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart

It breaks her heart

To grey

"Grey Street", Dave Matthews Band

Catchin' Up

2006-09-12T00:13:00.000-04:00

Life has been a whirlwind. Seems like the summer has flown by and the weather here is starting to get chilly already. Not that I mind. I love fall...

So, I promised pictures of the golf tournament. Here are a couple:

This is Team Pinochle (pronounced in the less traditional way- Pee-no-sha-lay) and they took the trophy this year. That's my mom, my lil bro (the tallest in the family) and my poppy. They beat us, the Green Genies, by one stroke. My team won last year, so only fair, especially because lil bro is a SORE LOSER. It's okay, he admits it. He gets all pouty and his mouth gets all scrinched up and he furrows his brow...

We had a gorgeous day, much like the days we've been having lately. This is one of the best pictures I've taken in the last few months. I'm hoping we have a pretty fall.

So... changes. I took my lil sister to college two weekends ago, with my parents. They asked me to come along, probably because lil sis and I are so close, and to be a support for my mom. Lil sis is the last of 5 to leave home. She's 2 1/2 hours away at school, and this is a big adjustment for my parents. It's also a hard thing for me. I got used to her being around- she's my movie buddy, my swimming partner, my ear when I can't talk to my parents... I've talked to her a few times on the phone, and she's doing well. We cried some when we left, but overall, she and the 'rents are doing pretty good.

A week later, I lose my best friend in my town. My supervisor at work is also my best friend in the town where I live. She put in for a transfer a couple months ago because she's moving in with her boyfriend, a guy she met through me. Her last day at work was last Friday and it's really difficult to get used to her being gone. I'll see her, of course, because she'll always be a close friend, but it's hard. That's her, on the far right, at one of our coworker's wedding this summer:

I decided that I'm sick of not having friends and struggling to meet people.... so I went on craigslist.com and was looking for activities and groups to get involved with and found a local scrapbooking group that's just starting. Seems like a good mix of ladies and the leader has been very inviting on email, so I'm looking forward to it. I also was browsing the personals and thought, "Why not? Nothing risked, nothing gained"... and so I have a date. I'm excited to meet him and it should be a good time. We'll see what comes of it. I have to put myself out "there", right?

Where's my map of "there" again?

The Great Outdoors

2006-08-28T02:33:00.000-04:00

I'm back home from a weekend in the woods. Some friends and I went camping in the Adirondacks, low mountains in eastern New York. We were in a campground, but in tents, so wherever that puts on us your "real camping" spectrum, we figured we were doing alright in terms of roughing it. The campground was really nice- big, but wooded so we didn't feel like we were on top of other campers. We had to walk a distance to the bathroom... so we generally used the woods at night. Hey, it was dark!

I love campfires. We made s'mores (I think the camping police would have revoked our camping license had we not done so) and cooked sausage and corn on the cob in the coals of the fire. It worked VERY well. I was impressed, if I do say so myself.

Wildlife abounded, of course. This lil chipmunk was NOT scared away by one of my friends yelling, "CHIPMUNK!!!!" (she was trying to get him to come back and eat the chips. He waited until she left- ha ha!) and enjoyed our spinach artichoke flavored tortilla chips. Yes, we were camping, but that doesn't mean no gourmet snacks!

This deer decided we weren't obnoxious enough to catch a few zzz's near... she stayed on a hill behind the tents for quite awhile before moving on.

And what would camping be without danger?? This is our bear. When my friend and I arrived, he was sitting behind the campsite, about 25 feet, just hanging out. He was a smallish bear, probably only a couple hundred pounds. He liked his photo shoot and started to come nearer, but I discouraged him by clapping my hands and yelling at him to go away. He complied. However, last night, he was lurking behind some campsites not far away. That was a little scarier, especially because we couldn't see him, the black fur blending in with lack of sun and all. No harm, though. He was pleasant enough and didn't bother us.

This morning.... the heavens opened up around 5:30 and showered the campsite with bucketloads of rain. The dark green and white tent was one of those screened enclosures and we put two of our tents beneath it to keep the rain off. Instead of sheltering us, it became a very efficient rain collection device, occasionally spilling its bounty over onto the tops of the tents. What a miserable way to end the weekend!

We salvaged it by going to the local diner and eating greasy breakfast food. Yum.

That's enough camping for me for this summer. I'd love to go back again next summer, though. When the nights get down into the 40's, it's time to call it a season.

Still here

2006-08-22T23:58:00.000-04:00

There are heavy things on my brain. Not sad, or confusing... just... life things. Big decisions to be made. And so this song hits where I am. If you've not heard this group before, give 'em a listen. Much love to you all...

GO ON THROUGH

I’ve been thinking about this love
I’m thinking about it
I’m thinking about this love
So hard, so hard

I’ve been thinking about my life
And how it’s going to turn
And all I really want to do
Is find a way to go on through
And all I really want to do now
Is find a way to go on through

So out on the tide we go
Out on it
So out on the highest waves
So high, so high
So out on the tide we go
Knowing it will turn
And all I really want to do
Is find a way to go on through

And all I really want to do now
Is find a way to go on through
And all I really want to do
All I really want to do
Is find a way to go on through
Find a way to go on through

- Afrocelt Sound System, Vol 3

...been one long week...

2006-07-29T04:01:00.000-04:00

The week has ended much better than it started. Thank you for kind words and thoughts. I'm coming through.

I've spent the last three hours playing mindless games and listening to my music- the beauty of "shuffle". You never know what's coming next. It's like a little bit of Christmas every time a new song cues up.

I've decided my new favorite band is Carbon Leaf. They are Irish, but modern... and oh so good. Excellent bass lines and they occasionally use the accordian, tin flute and other unconventional instruments. They even do a version of Ozzy's "Crazy Train" on their live CD... specatcular!

I've also decided that the mp3 was a wise, wise investment. I'll actually listen to my music that I already own now, instead of just one CD for three months until I get tired of it.

New pictures are coming... the family golf tournament was last weekend and I've got some good shots. Soon.

Take care, y'all.

middle of the night

2006-07-22T00:41:00.000-04:00

It's been forever since I posted. Perhaps not literally, but it seems that way.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling tonight. It's late and I should be sleeping... and am, in fact, quite tired and sleepy, but here I am, in front of the computer. It's cooling off outside for the first time all week and I should be slumbering peacefully.

I've been waking up this week with my brain full of noise. I'm not thinking about anything in particular- for instance, at 4 a.m. yesterday morning, the song, "Ridin' Dirty" was playing in my cranium. I despise that song. Other times, there are just random thoughts and images racing through, with no order or sense at all. Trying to rein them in is difficult and often takes a half hour or more.

Last week.... I went to see the doctor last week. Twice. For lab results. You know it's not a good thing when the doctor wants to see you personally for lab results. So, I'm borderline diabetic and have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Nothing major... not really, anyway. I'm working on the diabetes thing with diet and exercise and have been for a few months now. The back injury put me on the bench for a bit. And the PCOS... well, it's a common thing. Lots of women I'm friends with have it and they can conceive just fine.

It's just... I'm tired. I'm so tired of finding out what's WRONG with me. I feel like a car on its last legs and the owner keeps taking it to the mechanic... how long before there's something that can't be fixed?

Maybe this is all too much for me to handle on my own. My friends are good about supporting me, but they're all on the outside... they have their own stuff going on. I don't want to tell my parents, because they'll just worry... and so I'm alone.

This sounds like a pity party. And maybe it partly is. I didn't expect to be carrying this without help, and maybe I need to ask for help... I don't know. Now I'm rambling.

Damn tears... and I was doing so good at avoiding them.

Ex Libris

2006-06-29T22:26:00.000-04:00

So, I haven't been here in awhile. The summer has hit me with it's steamy breath and I've succumbed to the hectic schedule that awaited me. I have yet to have a weekend where I can kick back, relax and sleep in... perhaps read a book?

I discovered a wonderful website today. It's bookins.com, and you can trade your used books for other used books. Sounds simple... and it actually is. I made my list of books I'd be willing to part with from my rather extensive (and overloaded) collection and then browsed for the books I'd love to read, and the site matches my stuff with what people want, and their stuff with me. I'm sending out two books tomorrow to new homes and all I had to do was print out the shipping label provided by the site. It's $3.99 to have a book shipped to you, free to send them out. I'm loving it. It works on a point system- 15 points for signing up, so many points for book successfully arriving at its destination. They track the books after you drop them in the mailbox. Little to no effort. That's my kind of company! AND I get packages in the mail!!!!

If you check it out and want to sign up, I'd love to be the one to refer you ('cause then I get more points) , but I won't ever know if you sign up on your own. I'm all about recycling. Especially books. I love a good used book. You can smell the love.

Ohio, part deux

2006-06-14T21:37:00.000-04:00

Vacation was wonderful. I don't want to be home. As usual. I shopped, got a pedicure, read a few books, relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I left another chunk of my heart there... and that's the part that hurt the most about leaving.

The following pictures are the lake at sunset... it was gorgeous.

These two, above and below, are my favorites. I have done NOTHING to the color of them. I have never seen a sky so beautiful or glowing so radiantly...

Vacation

2006-06-02T16:13:00.000-04:00

I'm leaving for Ohio in roughly 18 hours... can't wait to be there...

I know there's no ocean in Ohio, but this was my last real vacation, so I thought I'd leave it here in my absence.

I hope you all are safe, happy, healthy, and that you MISS ME!!!! (hee hee... )

Last Goodbye

2006-06-01T11:02:00.000-04:00

The funeral for Katherine is commencing right now, in Ohio. I wish I was there.

And so, I am wearing what I would have worn- this skirt. The black background is somber, but the vibrant flowers are those reminders of her life and how she infected others with joy and vivaciousness. She was pink- lived her life fully, seized opportunities, saw the bigger picture, but lived in the moment.

Goodbye... you are sorely missed, but I'll see you in Heaven. Keep my seat warm...

Memorial

2006-05-30T17:16:00.000-04:00

I'm a little heavy-hearted today. I got a call that my friend's mother died... and I'm glad she's no longer suffering... but it's not easy. I will see him next week, when I go on vacation (WOO HOO!!!) and I just want to hug him. It's only been 8 weeks since she was diagnosed. How appropriate, though, that she die just before Memorial Day. She was an incredible woman and mother, and she served in the Navy.

I received another phone call today. It was from the supervisor at a job I held while home from college breaks- I worked making phone calls for the American Heart Association- and she told me one of the women I worked with during my time there died on Saturday. This woman was in her early 50's, diagnosed with cancer a month ago, and died of septic shock after her first chemo treatment.

Two fine women... and so I remember them today, in the spirit of Memorial Day.

And in the midst of death, there is life.... This is the 11 day old nephew of my sister-in-law. I met him on Saturday and just stared at him... his tiny little fingers and fingernails... a newborn always amazes me.

This lil peanut is my cousin's daughter... she's a nutcase and a sweetheart and a terror.... she was picking the fuzzy dandelions and telling herself stories...

And here's her cousin... a lil shy boy who kept running away when I tried to take his picture... sweet lil angel face, but man, can he SCREAM!!

Children immediately want to see their pictures after they are taken. This meant I had to take a series of "silly face" pictures.... about 10 of them total. The cherub in the middle is the most creative. The boys kept making the same, signature silly face over and over again.

It was the way I wanted to celebrate Memorial Day- surrounded by family, and life, yet remembering why we do this. My grandfather fought in the Pacific arena in WWII, doing photo recon. He saw almost all of his unit die in combat. He would get teary-eyed talking about them up until his death in 1996. I memorialize him, and all those who have sacrificed for our country and for their families.

In Memory of Deborah and Katherine, May 27th and 28th, 2006.

Wine and Herb Tour

2006-05-26T09:58:00.000-04:00

It was a rather gloomy Saturday in May, but somehow, my friends and I were in high... spirits. The annual Cayuga Lake (one of the Finger Lakes in upstate NY- seriously, look at a map. Looks like a big ol' hand) Wine and Herb Tour had commenced! We made it our mission to visit each of the 16 wineries in one day and nearly made it...

This is Cayuga Lake, with one of the vineyards marching its way down to the shore. I believe this was Goose Watch winery.

Yes, I'm obsessed! Even when imbibing, I can't stop noticing the flowers! These were a centerpiece at the Montezuma Winery. I plan to play around with some effects on this one later on.
At each winery, we were given an herb and a sample of a dish made with that herb (though, sometimes it was just a plant, really. I mean, BROCCOLI is NOT an herb.) This is one of my friends. No, she's not winking. She's had enough wine that only her right eye is continuing to function.

This double daffodil was at my favorite winery, Swedish Hill. There is a picture of me and another of my friends in front of the Swedish Hill sign, but it won't be posted here. We were drunk. Sometimes bad things happen with photography when you're sampling the spirits.

These crabapple trees are apparently appreciating the rainy spring as much as the other flowers. I don't remember the name of this winery because it was toward the end of the trip. Nuff said.

I associate crabapple trees with my childhood. We had one in the backyard and we used to have all-out wars with the crabapples. Funny, my memory has to do with trying to kill my siblings, not appreciation for the beauty of the trees.

This was the Americana winery, and I thought they did a good job with their decor matching their name... I loved the contrast of the vibrant geraniums with the rustic barrel.

My 15 little plants made it home safely and are mostly planted in window boxes (I'm giving Mom the broccoli)! It was a fantastic time and if you have wineries near you, it's a great place to visit. If you like wine. I learned a lot about what I like and why I like it. I feel more confident in trying new wines instead of buying the same old thing now. And it was a damn good time.

Mama's Tulips

2006-05-18T01:04:00.000-04:00

I can't get over how beautiful the tulips have been around my area this year.... they are stunning... these are all at my mom's house. She has a beautifully landscaped flower garden/rock wall behind the house...

The little grape hyacinths are so adorable!!! And they smell SOOOO good...

This is one of my favorite pictures I've taken this spring so far..... It came out with the perspective and focus I wanted.

Back, Again

2006-05-14T23:09:00.000-04:00

The fun never stops...

I spent the weekend in the hospital. Friday, I stopped at my apartment between appointments, and I'm glad I did. As I was leaving, my back started hurting pretty bad. I called my sister the doctor and she told me to get to the ER. One of my friends (my absolute hero for the rest of my life after this weekend) took me to the hospital and as I went through triage, etc., my back started to spasm.

If you have not experienced a back spasm, thank your lucky stars and knock on wood because it is the worst pain I have ever experienced. I'll take a blocked kidney any day over back spasms. I was the person in the ER that everyone else is saying, "Would you either knock that woman out or kill her???" A couple doses of morphine later and I was slightly more relaxed, but I've discovered morphine isn't as nice as you'd think it would be. It only lasts a little while. Then the pain comes back.

Of course, when a person's body is in distress, it shows it in several ways. I was drenched in sweat for a few hours, running a fever, and shaking like crazy. I was also exhausted after about an hour of back spasms. This threw my electrolytes all out of whack and caused me to stay in the hospital until this morning.

I have a bulging disc and my left hip is out of alignment. At least I know the problem. So it's off to Physical Therapy with me. At least they sent me home with Vicodin.

Flower Child

2006-05-09T18:15:00.000-04:00

These are the flowers I remember from my childhood- trilliums. They carpet the shady floor of the woods behind my parents' house.

They're everywhere... thousands of them... we used to pick armfuls and bring them to my mother.

Sometimes we would dye the water and make them turn blue and red and yellow... they never lasted long after they were picked, but they were beautiful while they lasted.

This is one of the old stone walls that still serves as a property line.... all covered in moss and softened by time...
And, per Jamie Dawn's request....

Here's me:

Sciatica

2006-05-08T14:57:00.000-04:00

Pronounced sigh-attic-uh.

It's my most current diagnosis. If it's not my immune system, it's my back. I swear, I AM trying to be healthy, but my body is rebelling against me. It's frustrating.

Not to mention PAINful. Not as painful as kidney stones (the only time I've given them a 10 when they ask you to rate your pain was the kidney stones), but pretty damn hurting. And only time makes it go away.

I'll be better soon.... right?

It's Elementary

2006-04-29T22:08:00.000-04:00

Lil sis and I went for a hike today. I don't know if New Hope Mills is a local thing or not- they make pancake mix- but we went there to have an adventure. She's always a good sport...

The mill wasn't open yet, otherwise the wheel would have been turning. It's the oldest waterwheel still running in the local area, if not the state. We were a couple days too early!

I find that I'm drawn to the elements- particularly water. It also explains my pyromaniacal tendencies! We hiked down to the streambed and I managed to get my shoes wet...

The ground was all shale- brittle, flaky, and I think really pretty.

It looks like I'm standing IN the stream for this shot, which I really like. We created a semi- dry (remember the shoes?) path through some shallow water to get to a small "falls".

Isn't she the cutest thing in the whole world? She put her hood up so the bugs wouldn't get in her ears!

This was the very top level of the little falls... not so much water coming over, but in the sunlight it was very pretty. Worth the soggy sneaker.

I loved seeing the old millstones outside the main millhouse. It gave me a sense of history. Of course, I had to explain what they were and how they work to my lil sis. Sheesh... do kids learn anything in school these days??

We ended up at the lake nearby... I'm so drawn to the water. It was a perfect day to be out.

Toy

2006-04-28T17:19:00.000-04:00

I bought a new camera.

Did I need it? The best answer would be no. But on this whole other level, YES. It's a Kodak Z650 with 6.1 megapixels and a 10x zoom. I have been drooling over it for months. Thanks to the federal government giving me back the money I earned, I was able to buy it and the huge package of stuff it came with on eBay, including, but not limited to a 1 GB memory card, a standard tripod, a tabletop tripod, a telephoto lens (2x), a wide angle lens, three filters and a flash card reader. I got it yesterday and was in heaven.

These are my first tries with the new toy. I've been using the UV filter just to protect the lens, and supposedly it helps with color saturation yadda yadda. Maybe someone who knows more about cameras can tell me if that's true.

My new camera is inspiring me to exercise! I want to go for a hike at one of the nearby falls to take pictures... who wants to come?

Hobby

2006-04-12T18:23:00.000-04:00

I know I've mentioned it before... my scrapbook hobby.

I am addicted. Almost more addicted than to photography.

I've been doing this for over 10 years and I finally got my first paying gig. My cousin has handed over all her wedding photos and memorabilia and said, "Have at it". She originally intended to do it herself but then a couple kids came along and there goes all her free time. Meanwhile, she's without a wedding album. So... she has seen my scrapbooks and her style fits my style and away we go!

These are just a few of the beginning pages. The top two are the rehearsal dinner and all the individual shots around the edges are hinged so she can label who they are underneath. The blank squares are for her to "journal" aka label what's happening or her memories at the time to those of you who are not acquainted with scrapbooking terms.

These are not my fanciest or most creative work.... but they are my newest project and represent my style pretty well. I like the look to be very clean, simple, and well put-together. I think the little details make a page stand out. And my cousin loves them, so woo hoo for me!

Thank you to all of you who have had kind words regarding my friend and his mother. I appreciate them and I've passed along prayers and kind wishes to him. You don't realize the impact you have on a stranger. Thank you.

Preparation

2006-04-09T02:37:00.000-04:00

Three days ago, I got an email from one of my best friends. I haven't seen him in two years, but that's because he chooses to live in strange and exotic locales, like Anchorage and Waikiki. Not so close to my home town.

The email... His mother was just diagnosed with inoperable liver cancer. Inoperable.... that word sounds so final. I finally got to talk to him today. Given the time difference between here and Hawaii, we don't talk often. Or at least not as often as I'd like. He and his partner have made the decision to come back home, to move back to the city closest to his family, and to settle there. Not the circumstances in which they wanted to be coming back... but he's trying to frame it positively, they are coming here to be near family.... not to wait for his mom to die.

Mortality is a funny thing. We're never ready for death. We're never prepared for suffering. This woman... she holds her family together. She didn't know she was sick. She wasn't feeling right and did the right thing, went to the doctor and BAM! Here you go, ma'am, you're dying.

Let the people you love know you love them. Unless you have a crystal ball (and if you do, I'll rent it from you for a lil bit, k?), we never know what's coming.

Doorway 2

2006-04-06T02:06:00.000-04:00

Per Mr. Riley's suggestion, I removed the grey box from the original photo (there was also a small package sitting on the step in front of the door, in the right bottom corner of the doorway- photo shopped that out before posting before) and experimented with bringing it in closer...

The picture with more lawn looks more forlorn, less accessible to me... the close up is more inviting.

What do you think?

Doorway

2006-04-05T11:30:00.000-04:00

I couldn't stop myself. I was in a city I had never visited before, walking down the street, and here was this fantastic door. It didn't belong in the city. It belonged in some long forgotten forest, where there are still woodcutters and wicked witches.

Perhaps I've been reading too many children's stories lately.

It spoke to me, though... and I love the little window above the door.... the ivy climbing up the walls and onto the roof...

I couldn't see the rest of the house... just the entrance. But for a minute, there was magic.

OH

2006-04-02T21:46:00.000-04:00

So I'm leaving Ohio tomorrow... with a slightly heavy heart. I knew there was a possibility I would feel this way... and of course, I do. I keep saying, "It's okay"... and it is... but.

When will the timing be right? When will my stars align? Dunno. It was good. Real good.

I hope to be back with more pictures soon. It's been an ugly time of year- everything all brown and grey. But the weather seems to be promising spring... one can only hope!

in and out

2006-03-28T00:15:00.000-05:00

I'm back, after taking a break. The flu, the winter... it all caught up with me and I needed to pare down for a lil while.

Thanks for coming back, those of you who have visited.

I'm out of town for a week to visit some old friends and just have a change of scenery. It'll be good for me.

Miss me.

2006-03-26T22:22:00.000-05:00

MIA

2006-02-26T10:04:00.000-05:00

I have been MIA because of the F-L-U. I have only had the flu once before in my entire life and I didn't enjoy it then. I don't enjoy it now. This is day #4 and I'm starting to feel slightly better. My fingernails and hair folicles don't ache anymore.

I'm getting a new computer! Actually, I should have already had it. Irony of ironies, I had it delivered to my parents' house thinking there would be a much better chance they'd be home than me and Friday, when UPS attempted to deliver it, I was home all day being sickly and my mom wasn't at her house. Argh.

I'm finally at the stage in my sickly where I can go outside and I need to because being in my apartment for too much longer will drive me insane. Just ignore the sneezing and the hacking cough. I always cover my mouth.

Wacko Dream #2

2006-02-17T15:27:00.000-05:00

Is it something I'm eating?

I dreamt that some of my friends and I were at a McDonalds, just hanging out. That is weird in and of itself, but I digress. So, we're at the McDonalds and the old couple who owns and operates the establishment says, "We're going out for awhile. Would you mind taking over while we're gone? It'll be really easy " and of course, we agree.

After awhile, a customer calls (yes, on the phone- calls in an order to MCDONALDS) and orders a cheeseburger, fries, a soda and a sundae. No sizes. He'll be there in a bit to pick them up. I go into the cheeseburger room and find several cheeseburgers on the grill, already prepared. I get one into a bun and then look for the paper to wrap it in. All we have is Burger King and Wendy's papers. I look all over the room- piles and boxes full of the other papers, no McDonalds paper. I go into the room next door- lots more boxes, no papers. I find calendars, time off requests, planning sheets... nothing that says McDonalds to wrap this cheeseburger in.

Segway to the next bit of my dream- no, I never get resolution on the cheeseburger situation.

I'm at my parents' house. An acquaintance whom my parents don't know is also there- someone who will likely never meet my parents- and he's been hanging out for about an hour with my brother, just watching TV. This is strange. Not just dream strange, but in my dream, I knew there was something off about it. So I suggest we go... and we head toward the back door, and he goes into the bathroom. He locks himself into the bathroom and I wait and wait and wait and ask if he's okay. He starts telling me things, awful things about himself and things he's done in the past and his voice gets strange and crazy and I realize, "This man is psychotic and he's in my parents' house... how do I get him out??" He tells me I should call the police. I ask him to just go... I'll go into my bedroom and he can just leave and not have to face me. The dream gets so scary I wake myself up.

I don't have scary dreams. Maybe once every few years. This one was disturbing to the point I had to get up and distract myself, put some distance between me and the dream before I could go back to sleep.

Bloomin'

2006-02-16T23:31:00.000-05:00

I was looking up these pictures to try and do some creative things for scrapbooking and thought I might as well post them. I wish I could take credit for how beautiful the flowers are- my mom is the one with the green thumb!

She had a garden full of zinnias in the fall... she would give me bouquets to take home every week because there were so many. And they were so huge! This one was probably 5 inches in diameter.

Snapdragons were my favorite as a kid. I used to love pulling open their mouths and letting them snap shut. They DID look a little fierce...

Usually, someone would get silly and start making the snapdragon talk or sing... stupid? Yes. But I say if you can amuse yourself with a flower or a stick for awhile, you have an imagination that will come in handy for the future. You'd be surprised how enviable a good imagination is.

**********************************************************

Side note: I believe I have encountered the friendliest Arby's in the entire world. Every time I go there (which is more often than I should. But I like they're market fresh sandwiches. And in my job, cooking for myself at 9:00 when my day is done is SO unappealing), the staff is so cheery and happy and not the kind of cheery that makes you want to stab out their eyes with a ballpoint pen, but the cheery that actually makes you smile. I have complimented them several times on how wonderful it is to get good customer service and feel like someone is happy with their job. So, if you're ever in upstate NY, exit 11 off Rt. 81- stop in at the Arby's and get service with a smile.

Wacko Dream #1

2006-02-16T00:09:00.000-05:00

I have bizarre dreams. I always have. It's come to be a part of my life and I enjoy them, actually. I thought, why not share my insanity with the rest of the world?

Last night I dreamt that my father had been kidnapped by Scotland. Yes, the country of Scotland. Turns out he wasn't the only one who'd been kidnapped, though... several people in the financial (my father is in banking- yes, in real life) world had been taken. It seems Scotland thought they'd been cheated out of money by these various people and posted ransoms for each of them according to how much they felt they'd been cheated. Luckily, my father's ransom was just over $2,000- not much considering some people weren't going to be released for less than a few million.

Normally, this type of dream would be amusing, but in the dream, I watched them take my father away- he didn't know I saw them take him. It was scary! This group of soldiers took him and several other people out of a building and hustled them away, and I didn't know where he was going or when he'd be back or what was happening. I had to read about it in the paper the next day. Of course, it was strange that I was in a swimming pool with a blanket wrapped around me... the soldiers got us out of the pool before they brought the people through. The blanket didn't seem to weigh me down in the water at all.

There you have it. Any dream analysts, professional or otherwise, out there? I'd love to know what you think...

And watch out for shady Scots.

Free plug

2006-02-13T18:06:00.000-05:00

I don't normally endorse other people blogs or websites, etc.... but I can't help it today. waiterrant.net has absolutely touched my heart and my funny bone and I think this piece of life is worth reading about. And apparently it's working real well... there's merchandise!!!

Reading about other's lives... I've rekindled some of my faith in a good humanity. There are decent people out there. There are talented people out there. There are TONS of idiots out there... but we've got a fighting chance.

Read Waiter Rant. You won't be disappointed.

hee hee hee

2006-02-10T18:53:00.000-05:00

After seeing so many other photo blogs and asking what photo editting software is used and more than one person telling me Picasa, I checked it out.

I likey.

More to come.

Going up?

2006-02-09T23:12:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation online the other day with a friend who is unhappily married. He breaks my heart a little bit because he is so warm hearted, so fun... and destined to live the next 50 years with a woman who doesn't make him entirely happy. Yes, he's there by choice... which brings me to my analogy.

I've thought about this for awhile... and I think life is a spiral staircase. We don't ever repeat what it is we've done (barring amnesia and the like) and we can't ever unlearn the lessons we've learned. But it seems, every now and again, that we come to a place where we've been before and we do the, "WHAT THE HELL??? I've already DONE this!!" It's not the same, not really, because we have already learned from the past, but it looks all too familiar. It's the spiral.... we're in the same place, just a lil higher up.

I've come partially out of my seasonal funk. I payed my bills and emailed a few friends back, long over due. That's how I know.

This staircase is looking up from the bottom of the Highlands Light on Cape Cod.

Just Pics

2006-02-05T13:21:00.000-05:00

same pond... loved the contrast of the dark tree in the blue, blue water

sunset along the highway... I had to pull over and shoot... lines will be removed when my Photoshop stops acting like an ass.

Black-eyed Susans against a white plastic tablecloth

Middlebury, Vermont. This will be in my coffee table book of pathways someday.

Winter? HA!

2006-02-05T00:56:00.000-05:00

It seems that either snow has forgotten it's summer home here in central NY, or global warming is so extreme that snow is a bygone era for us here in the snowbelt.

I'm not complaining. With no snow, I have to shovel less, the roads are passable, walking outside is quite pleasant... but it's strange. We all keep waiting to get pummelled in 6 feet of white stuff, drifts so high you can't get out of your house on the first floor... people keep recalling the blizzard of '68, hoping it will appease the precipitation gods.

I pass this pond every time I go home to my parents' house. I rescued a turtle here once. It was crossing the road. Slowly. It didn't appreciate my help at first- tried to pee on me- but I got it accross the road safely.

The ice... just a thin layer... just enough to capture the last little driftlets of snow... and the sky so blue. Begged me to stop.

I also had to take this picture. It reminded me of Alice in Wonderland and the Chronicles of Narnia- I think in The Magician's Nephew there is a land where stepping into puddles takes you to different places. I wonder what the roads are like on the other side of that puddle...

Heavy

2006-02-01T17:11:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure this post will actually show up. Seems Blogger has lost my blog entirely. This adds to my mood.....

This is Sedona, again. This trail looked impossible, and we did not, in fact, use it to get to the top. Instead, we found the easier path.

I feel like I don't have an easier path right now. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough. It's one of those times when it seems that everything is pushing back. The job... ah, burnout.

I was convinced that I would never get burnt out. I thought, c'mon, if I have my faith and my family and I really believe in what I'm doing, I'm not gonna burned out. HA! I'd like to stay home for a week... or two... and pour myself into those things that spark my mind and my creative energy.

Listening to Collective Soul right now... "And I've got a long way to run...." It's striking a chord right now. I'm turning 29 in little over a month. I know, to those of you that are older, you think wow, so young, etc.

This is a pivotal age for me. I'm single, with a POS car, a stressful job that I don't know if I can do sometimes, don't own my house, a piggy bank of coins making up my whole savings... and I'm facing the 30's. Just seems.... depressing. Then I try to think positive- I have a masters degree, I have a secure job, I'm making a difference in people's lives, I have great friends, I'm close to my family.....

I wish it were enough.

Break

2006-01-19T10:26:00.000-05:00

This is Sedona- more specifically, Cathedral Rock, one of the most photographed spots in Arizona and quite possibly the country, if our Chamber of Commerce tour guide wasn't just happy to be an Arizonan. Sedona is known to be a place of great psychic energy... not that I buy into any of that, no offense if you do, but what I did find in Sedona was peace.

My mom and my sister and I sat on a butte and watched the sun go down over Sedona for an hour, perfectly content. Just before it dropped over the horizon, we found this spot:

It was just a little further upstream and I'm sure the photographer with all his fancy equipment who was standing in the stream waiting for his perfect shot didn't exactly love us sitting there next to him, but it's public property!

I'm constantly amazed, as I travel and as I look at other people's blogs who live in other parts of the country, at the diversity of our nation environmentally. We have everything... volcanos, rain forest, desert, moutains, acres and acres of forest, plains...

I need Sedona today. I've decided that I need a vacation and this may be the closest I come to vacation for a lil while. I need hot desert air on the top of a butte at sundown...

At It Again

2006-01-18T00:51:00.000-05:00

I've been doing it again. Scanning ancestral pictures into the wee hours of the night and not actually sleeping like I'm supposed to be doing. I can't help. I've got the bug.

Isn't this album gorgeous? It stores the pictures of my grandmother's family. My mom remembers opening it a few times a year... this woman used to frighten her, so she didn't like

to look at the album when she was little. We don't know who this woman is, but she certainly doesn't look real friendly. There are a few tintypes at the back of the album, and I believe they are probably late 1800's, early 1900's. I don't know when they stopped making tintypes- wonder if it was less expensive, perhaps? My favorite of the pictures is this little one... literally about an inch square. These ladies.... I wonder about their stories. I wonder about how they thought about their lives. I wonder what they would think about our world now.

Outside, the wind is howling and the rain is pouring and it would be a perfect time to be in bed. Instead, my brain is buzzing with ideas. My cousin, Jean, is my biggest cheerleader at present. I think everyone should have a cheerleader. Does amazing things to the self esteem. She thinks I should delve into the professional organization business headfirst. I was thinking of little things like insurance and such, and she agrees I need to keep those, but she's all for me achieving my dreams. This is such a new dream... I wonder... She's also asked me to scrapbook her wedding album. I've been a scrapbooker for the last 10 years or so (conjures up images of middle aged women drinking coffee and gossiping with their quilted scrapbook bags, I know, but I'm NOT) and have often wondered if I could make that make money for me.

It's not that I can't be content with letting a hobby just be a hobby. Quite the contrary. But I work in the human service field. Any extra penny is appreciated. And if I could eventually transform my hobbies and things I LOVE doing into a job, HELLS YEAH.

In the meantime... I stay up too late and do the things I wish I could do all day.

2006-01-12T15:32:00.000-05:00

This is the National Seashore (part of it, anyway) as seen from midway down the Highland Lighthouse. The door absolutely begged to be in the picture.

The sun is shining here today- second day in a row and it's impossible to remember it's January. We don't HAVE sun in January. We also don't have 50 degree days. Perhaps hell has frozen over? Sign of the apocalypse?

I need a good massage- I am stiff from my heels to my neck, all the way up my back. That's where I hold my stress. Work has been heart breaking this week. It will get better. I have to have hope. Sunshine is hopeful.

I'm feeling random today... I'm eating sour cream and onion Pringles and I KNOW my breath is going to be rancid when I go to my next client's house. Oh well. Maybe her beagle will stay off my lap, then. HA! This dog needs to be as close to me as possible when I'm there. If she could climb into my skin, then she would be happy. She has to be in my lap with her nose approximately 5 cm from my own. Nowhere near as cute as this puppy....

That's my wigglebutt. Not her best picture, but proof enough that she's adorable. Or was, as the case may be. She was hit by a car at 5 months old. Don't get me started... I don't want to have puffy eyes for my client in a half hour. Quinn was a black lab/beagle mix and if there was ever a dog who loved me in this world, it was her. I picked her up from the litter and brought her home and I think became, in a way, her surrogate mommy. She loved to lick everyone, of course, but when I came home, she would climb up me as far as she could and lick the crap out of my face. She looked like a weiner dog (yes, I know the breed name, but saying "weiner" is much more fun) because of her teeny tiny legs....

I'm glad I can finally look at her picture and smile.

Brings a Smile to My Face

2006-01-10T00:27:00.000-05:00

I spent my three day weekend cleaning. How exactly does that go with the title of my post, you ask? Well, I wasn't cleaning just ANYTHING. I was helping my mother clean her bedroom. And your confusion increases....

My mother, God bless her and I love her to bits and pieces, is unorganized. And that's putting it mildly. She doesn't know how to deal with the mess so she finds something else to do. I made her promise to work with me on Friday, Saturday and Sunday for just a little while and we would make progress. She did it! And we've cleared out two areas that were huge problems. We need about another month...

In the process of cleaning, we found old photos of family that date back to the mid to late 1800's. This one, my grandmother, my mother's mother, is not that old. This one is probably taken in 1911. Isn't she beautiful?

My mom grew up on a farm and we have dozens of pictures of what her life was like and how much simpler it was then. She and my uncle went and picked trilliums, dozens of them, and my grandmother dutifully documented it all. Gee, I wonder where I get my shutterbug tendencies from??

I took one bag of pictures and told my mother I would scan them and upload them to the intertnet so all of my family could share them. Now comes the less fun, more tedious part of making sure they are all labelled... but it's worth it. Sometimes knowing where you come from makes the future less daunting.

New

2006-01-04T10:11:00.000-05:00

Christmas was wonderful, as I expected it would be. New Year's Eve was good... my brother and his wife had a low-key party and I got my ass kicked in foosball. New Year's Day I went to church and took a nice long nap in the afternoon.

January 2nd, however, was an extraordinary day. I met the coolest family in the whole world. They are a family of refugees from Liberia. When the civil war started there several years ago, the Muslims were being slaughtered and so Abu took his family to Sierra Leone to a refugee camp there. Eventually, he and his family were picked to be sent to the US. All FIFTEEN of them. They came here and my little sister spent the summer volunteering with Catholic Charities and she met four of the girls there. Abu had 4 wives in Liberia. The men are allowed up to 4. One of them died in Africa, one of them is still there with 5 more of his children, and the other 2 came with him. They arrived in August, and this is the first time they have experienced winter. Everyone speaks English enough to be understood, though some are far better than others. The children range in age from 4 to 21.

We took them sledding, something they didn't comprehend until we showed them. We fed them hot dogs- one of the girls put salsa on hers. They were 15 extra people in our house, and you would never know. They weren't noisy- 12 children of our culture these ages would have been complaining they were bored or bothering their parents every few seconds. The children were very independent and allowed to be so. They thanked us every couple of minutes, for everything. Abu called us his family when they left, saying he didn't need to go back to Africa to see his family because now he has such a big family here.

Little does he know what an impact they had on me. How poorly I express it.

The Ones I Wish I Could Give

2005-12-23T11:45:00.000-05:00

Two more days until Christmas. There are a few people I would like to give gifts to that I don't have the resources to do so.

To my sisters in Carae Domini: I give you all faith, hope and love for each other and your families. I give you a renewed zeal for what you are each called to and a fervor for loving Christ. I give you who face graduation calm despite the fears of moving on. To those of you who graduated years ago, I give the feeling of community with your sisters again, no matter how far away they are.

To the Kelleys: I give miraculous and instantaneous healing to my godchild. I give relief of all owed medical expenses. Knowing these first two are impossible for me to give, I bestow unending prayer that these will happen.

To P and G: I give acceptance in the face of judgement. I give love in the face of misunderstanding. I give hope in the face of fear.

To L: I give success and the removal of all fear from your heart. I'd also love to give you a new car!! I give you love beyond measure.

To J: I give relief from worry, and perseverance. I give patience with those who don't try to understand.

To Jac: I give faith. Bearing in mind you may not accept it, I give love and hope for better things to come. And I give you an edge up on getting the house!

To C: I give freedom from the oppression of cynicism and despair. I give you 4wheel drive and a kinder, more respectful landlord.

To R: I want to give you my heart. I want to give you what you ask for. I give you patience and understanding until I am able to freely give you what you need.

To everyone- May the joy of this season fill you completely and never let you go. May we remember what it is at Christmas that we celebrate, whatever that is for you. I celebrate the coming of Hope and Freedom in the form of a child. May you and yours find all that you need in this Christmas and in the coming new year.

Silent Night

2005-12-20T23:43:00.000-05:00

I'm finished. All the cards are written and sent. All the gifts are wrapped. Only one more trip to the post office and my Christmas preparations are complete.

It feels good.

I found out my goddaughter gets to go home today! She's just barely a month old and two days after she was born, she had to transported across the country for emergency heart surgery for two heart defects. Her father is a good friend of mine from college and he has kept all of us family and friends posted via website throughout the process. I'm so relieved that she is being discharged. I cannot imagine being her momma right now... the worry, the helplessness, wondering if you could have done anything differently to help her develop properly... Their faith in God has helped them through this. I see a miracle in that little girl... I can't wait to meet her. Lil miracle child...

My brother comes home from college tomorrow. He bought his girlfriend a diamond necklace. I'm so impressed with him. He called just to tell me. He wouldn't tell anyone else first... which flatters the bejeebers out of me. I knew we were close... I guess I didn't realize how much that means to him, too. I love that punk...

Only two more days of work until I go home to spend time with my family. This year, I'm so excited to give the gifts that I bought/prepared. Over the last 5-6 years, I've grown in my excitement to give gifts rather than get them. I pride myself on finding the gifts that will not necessarily be perfect, but will fit the person and really show them I thought about it. I may never top the scrapbook for my parents... I still get a little teary thinking about how incredible a surprise it was and what a great reaction they had. I love giving gifts I've poured my soul into.

Merry Christmas... and may your nights be silently filled with joy.

Sanctuary

2005-12-17T14:27:00.000-05:00

This is my haven, my safe place, my escape. The picture is Race Point Beach on Cape Cod, where I spent a week of my summer. I got there right at sunset... the color of the sky seems almost reflected on the sand... And so this has become my sanctuary, where I go in my head when the rest of the world is just too much. It brings me comfort, peace, and most of all, relief.

I think I've decided. I'm not entirely sure yet and I have painful conversations ahead of me, but I think I've decided. This means tears, explanations.... HURT... but in the end it has to be what it has to be. And then I will escape to my beach to be alone and be ok.

There's something about the ocean that allows me to pour all my pain and hurt and anguish and stress into it and it swallows them and fills me with peace. The ocean doesn't end... it keeps going and refreshing itself. It sustains so much life. People are drawn to it. I am drawn to it. I can be alone there and not feel lonely.

I can be alone there and not feel lonely........ This is a key statement for me. Loneliness has been a huge part of my life for the last year. The few times I thought I might have beat it.... I was disappointed. And now, when I'm at a place where being alone is ok, and being lonely might even be a little ok.... I don't know where to go. And so I retreat to my alone haven. The place where I feel full and complete without anyone next to me.

Just me and my ocean.

All Knotted Up

2005-12-16T00:38:00.000-05:00

That's my insides. Right over there. To your left. No, your OTHER left. Yeah, not so good for sleeping. Or eating. Or breathing for that matter.

Being anxious like this reminds me of being with B. No wonder I had a dream with him in it last night! Those 4 years are ancient history, though. And this anxiety, though it feels the same, isn't the same. I still don't know if it's ok, though.

I'm a good girl. I don't get myself into these situations. This doesn't happen to people like me. Right? WRONG. Again. But I don't think I did anything wrong, did I? Did I? I'm gonna be a hermit this weekend. I'm going to sit with my anxiety and my feelings and untie. Because at the middle of the knot is my heart. I've put all these ropes around it to make things more difficult, more complicated. To make him work for it and show he really wants it. Is it fair to make it that hard?

R, thank you for your apology. I'll tell you tomorrow, but in case you get here first... thank you. There's a lot of things I'm not used to, and that is one of them. Are you sure I'm not dreaming?

DONE

2005-12-14T00:51:00.000-05:00

I'm so sick of it... I spent over an HOUR arguing online with S over NOTHING... and if he's no longer a part of my life, that's FINE....

So, why am I upset? I talked to R... he wanted me to come there and spend the night... I'm not ready for that yet and he said he needed me... I'm not ready for THAT... needing me? He barely knows me! Or is that my excuse?

I'm a mess. I'm a big ball of messiness. I'm too full of emotions and anger and tears and frustration. I'm tired and I have to be at work in 8 hours and my bed doesn't have sheets on it. My laundry is only partially folded and I need to do those things instead of being on here. But here I am, pouring out my messiness into cyberspace. No one will read it and no one will understand it and no one will help me make sense of it... and that's ok. As long as I can put is SOMEwhere instead of keeping it in my heart and brain to fester.

Am I done being alone now? Can someone rescue me before I make a bigger mess? I guess that's the point, huh? There's no one to fix it, no one to rescue me. I didn't think it was a mess before.... S made it one. And I'm truly okay with not seeing him again.... I knew it would happen. My fear is this will go on forever. I knew he would hurt me at the first opportunity. It's his way. I knew that the first time I met him. Fun has a price. And R.... he's hurting and I can't take care of him. I need someone to take care of ME. I can't handle someone who is emotionally more messy than I am... didn't think it was possible, but oh, it is! I shouldn't say that... there's lots more emotionally messy people than me... and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. But I've put in my time and worked through a BUNCH of stuff. Hence the picture.

Okay, laundry, sheets, BED. Things always look better in the morning.... right?

It's the Most Wonderful Time

2005-12-09T17:28:00.000-05:00

It really is, you know. Despite my whining about the snow and the cold and not having enough money to buy people what I really want to get them, there's something incredibly magical about Christmas. I slow down a little at Christmas and let myself get caught up in the mystery of it. Seeing a Christmas tree, even my lil fake three-foot out of the box and arrange-your-own-boughs tree... it just sets a peace in my soul that nothing else can.

I made cookies today, with Tracy. We made buckeyes, those so-rich-I-can-only-eat-ONE peanut butter balls, and the peanut butter cookies with the Hershey's kiss in the middle. Sensing a theme? I'm on vacation until Wednesday and today was a perfect day to stay in and bake and feel domestic. The snow continues to descend from the heavens- we've got at least 6-8 inches on the ground. We had so much left over chocolate from dipping the buckeyes that I've gone on a dipping rampage. I've dipped left over peanut butter cookies that we had no kisses for, mini cinnamon graham sticks and a whole bag of pretzel rods- TWICE. I finally got rid of most of the chocolate. I couldn't let it go to waste!! And now I have even more cookies to give away.

One of my favorite memories of growing up was when my mom allowed me to pick which cookie cutters we would use for cutouts. She has at least 15 different shapes for Christmas and I was allowed free reign over which ones I wanted... so much power! The sleigh... the Santa... the star, of course... the Christmas tree... and the angel. And the teddy bear!! I still get excited when it's time to help my mom with the cookies. I'm excited that I can bring a few to her this year, already constructed.

Happy pre-holidays.

A Light Shines in the Darkness

2005-12-09T03:19:00.000-05:00

... and the darkness has not overcome it. Whenever I start to feel like things are getting to crowded or dark in my life, that line comes to mind. I believe it's in the Bible somewhere, but there's no chance I could tell you where.

Recently, I was in my apartment and it was late/early morning (however you choose to look at it), and I was pouring myself a glass of wine to wind down for the night when the lights went out. All of them. At first, I was startled and then remembered the scheduled maintenance involving no power for an hour... so I decided to make the most of it. I lit a bunch of candles and let my creative energy take over. This was my favorite shot.

I love hands. I have two black and whites of hands in my living room. Everyone's hands are different and unique and you can tell a lot by looking at hands. I'm personally very attracted to hands- the hard working kind you find on a man who knows what work is.

Speaking of men... I don't know what is to come of what happened tonight. R came to see me for the first time. Not what I expected, but since when is anyone what you expect? I'm not sure what I want. I know I liked being held, being taken care of. But.... something says, wait. And so I bend to prudence. I liked his hands, though.

A light shines in the darkness, and the darkness CANNOT overcome it. Hope, the hope I have, will not be extinguished.

grrrrrr...

2005-12-07T21:17:00.000-05:00

I'm frustrated because I finally have time to post and my pictures aren't uploading and now I've totally lost focus because I wanted to write about the picture and the moment of it. Durn blogger. I'll try later...

Thanks and Giving

2005-11-29T17:29:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is such a hectic, wonderful, crazy time. It's when my extended family of 28 cousins and their kids come home to NY and we all hang out all weekend. Thanksgiving day is one of my aunts and her kids and their kids and my family. The next day is lunch at the Irish pub with at least 20 people. Friday night is the adults for soup and sandwiches at another of the aunt's. Saturday my mom throws the Peanut Butter and Jelly party for all the cousins' kids who couldn't come to the party the night before. And this year, my mom and I hosted a Southern Living at Home party on Sunday. Oh, and at least three of my cousins and their children stay with my parents (still my home for the holidays, too).

This year, I didn't mind all the people and all the craziness. Last year I was going out of my skull trying to find somewhere not invaded by little people and their loudmouth parents, but this year I had more patience and more love for my relatives. It's good to be home.

I emailed a professional photographer today for advice. His name is Stanley Klein and he's based out of Pittsburgh. He's traveled all over the world and his pictures are truly art. Find his galleries at www.stanleykleinphotos.com. I saw some of his pictures at a local art show and I was fascinated- spent about an hour talking with him. I love meeting people who have passion- passion for anything. I spent an evening with a neighbor of mine once who was a carpenter. He talked about where he'd been and what he'd worked on and how he did what he did... it was amazing to hear the love for his craft. I feel this passion for photography and showing the beauty of life. I want to find out how to share it.

May you be ever thankful for the gifts you've been given. May you give of yourself to all those you encounter.

Snow!

2005-11-23T03:04:00.000-05:00

There's just a light dusting on the streets and houses and trees... and it's just the way I like it. Silent and gentle. Kinda slows everything down a little bit. Not enough to cause a panic and send everyone out for emergency supplies of bread and milk and beer. Just enough to make it seem like Thanksgiving is here in upstate NY.

I have so many fond memories of snow and snow-related activities. Sledding, building the world's largest snowman (or so we thought), building castles and fortresses, snow angels... When you live in the snowbelt, you better find something to do with the 5 months of the year that you have the white stuff! There was so much joy attached to snow as a kid. Over the years, I've grown to not like it quite as much.

Tonight, though, is the magic kind of snow. The kind where anything could happen and it wouldn't be entirely a surprise. This snow.... it makes me warm instead of cold.

Love

2005-11-22T00:46:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about love lately. Not love as a romantic notion (though a little romance would not be unwelcome... know anyone?), but love as a relationship between all the people in our lives. Love as a force to be reckoned with.

Normally I don't tend to wax philosophical (at least not out loud- normally, I said!), but the force of emotions I've been feeling lately have made me think. The love I have for my family is so intense sometimes, so raw and consuming.

What would I be willing to do because I love that much? Will I ever love a man that much? I believe I have loved before. It definitely seems that "love" has been more of an act than a relationship lately... which is okay. I can only take so much intensity.

Today is my mom's birthday. As she gets older, I want to protect her more. I want to make sure she is happy and healthy. I make sure she knows I love her. My gift to her this year is going to be my time more than the pretty decorative wooden bowl I bought her. I am going home for the whole 5 days surrounding Thanksgiving to help with the myriad of family events we have planned.

Maybe it's Thanksgiving. Yes, I think I'll blame it on that. It's making me squishy. I'm an emotional mushball and I think I like it.

I find that I want to pursue photography more and more lately. The problem is I CAN'T just yet. I need to take a class, I think. Maybe? Dunno. My cousin suggested taking some of my stuff to amateur shows, but it would have to be large and mounted, blah blah blah... good idea, and I would love to have one of my hobbies make money for me, but... We'll see. I don't know.

Random tonight. It's late. One more day until I get to help make pies.

Deflated

2005-11-20T20:48:00.000-05:00

I need sleep. I know that's my problem. I need one night of long, uninterrupted, 8+ hours of blissful, quiet, deep sleep.

I went shopping today. What makes me think that shopping when I'm broke is a good idea? But I got to spend more quality time with lil sis. She and I spent a good hour in Claire's looking at earrings... I wanted to poke my eyes out with one of the hair sticks after she turned the SAME earring carousel around for the fifth time, but I was patient... at least semi-patient....

I don't want to work tomorrow. I know no one WANTS to go work on Mondays, but ugh.... and I have to close a case tomorrow that really NEEDS to stay open. Damn politics. Damn Greeks or Romans or whoever invented them.

Is there Fix-a-Flat for life?

Some

2005-11-19T15:22:00.000-05:00

You win some, you lose some. This was the latter variety. I know, there always has to be a loser in every competition (and don't give me any of that "everyone's a winner" sunshine up the ass... you know what I'm talking about) and I would love to see the ones who deserve to win be the ones who take home the title...

I don't mean to sound bitter or a poor sport. But the team they played against... they were mean. Unsportsmanlike mean. They took two of our girls out because of injury and one was intentional. One girl went to the hospital. What makes adults think this is okay to encourage in high school students? Why play dirty?

Beside the point.

As my little sister came over to the fence after the game, I watched the tears run down her face and immediately my own eyes were wet. I can't stand seeing her cry. I just held her and told her what a great job she has done this season and how well they all played today. She's entitled to her sadness, grief of what could have been a wonderful celebration. And I... I hope for her. I hope she continues to grow from what she has learned. I hope she learns the balance between allowing herself emotions and staunching them. How does that relate to the game? It doesn't. It's a family thing.

I think she knows I'll always be there for her. I think she knows she can cry on my shoulder anytime.

Go Mustangs.

Mustang Pride

2005-11-18T22:31:00.000-05:00

I watched my little sister's soccer team win the state Section III semi-finals this morning in the freezing cold. It was 26 degrees, with windchill it felt like 19. I wrapped myself up in a wool coat, scarf, hat, gloves and wool blanket and screamed my lungs out for my girls...

She's like a daughter to me sometimes. We're 10 1/2 years apart. I've been there for every moment of her development. I am so proud of her today. She only played 15 minutes of the game. Her one real talent in soccer is her ability to throw the ball at least 15 yards at a time. I don't know where she got the upper body strength that she has , but she can beat all the rest of us in arm wrestling and has for the last three years! She doesn't play much because she isn't fast, but her heart... She's 100% when she's on the field, and even when she's off. She didn't put her warm-ups on for the whole second half of the game, just to show Coach that she was ready to go in if she got the chance. I did mention it felt like 19 degrees, right?

I may never have children. I may never get married. I'm not sure of the future yet, and I am so grateful for this young woman in my life. Forgive me, I'm having an emotional moment, but I never knew I would love my siblings this much. I feel like she's mine, you know?

My little sister is the most beautiful person in my life. Love makes us all beautiful.

Light Through Yonder Window

2005-11-17T06:23:00.000-05:00

Oh, wait... there's no light through windows here. The sun doesn't shine past November 1.

That picture, the last post... it was the start of my wannabe photography. Well, maybe not the start, but it's the first picture I ever took for no reason whatsoever. The way the light was coming through the curtains, the lay of the shadows on the table... I understood light as poetry for a minute.

I dreamt about ice in a jungle last night. Oh, there was much more to the dream- a missing girl, a ghost and an airport, but the ice in the jungle... I was talking to one of my coworkers about my random dreams and she decided they were linked to my love of reality TV- I don't like the predictable. I like the idea that it hasn't been scripted for me. Yeah, I know reality TV isn't all reality, blah blah blah... don't ruin it for me!

Melancholy tonight. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I need some sunshine.

Music to My Eyes

2005-11-16T00:33:00.000-05:00

The Christening

2005-11-14T23:34:00.000-05:00

I've given in. The world of online journaling has summarily captured, tortured and brought me to my knees....

I've decided life is a little too complicated today. What happened to stopping to smell the roses? Ooooh, I bet it was allergies. I hope tomorrow is less complicated. Today is bad because everytime I exert myself over a slow meander, I cough so hard my lungs try to leap directly through my windpipe onto the ground in front of me. I apologize... you didn't need to know that. Double dose of Nyquil outta put me out of my misery, at least for the evening.

I've always been a journaler. Is that a word? I'm not a journalIST... just a journalER. I have piles of half-filled journals in boxes and on shelves. There's a writer in there somewhere. There's definitely a wannabe photographer and artist... let's add journalist to the list, shall we?

Time for the dreamless sleep of chemical-induced slumber...