Wednesday, December 14, 2005


I'm so sick of it... I spent over an HOUR arguing online with S over NOTHING... and if he's no longer a part of my life, that's FINE....

So, why am I upset? I talked to R... he wanted me to come there and spend the night... I'm not ready for that yet and he said he needed me... I'm not ready for THAT... needing me? He barely knows me! Or is that my excuse?

I'm a mess. I'm a big ball of messiness. I'm too full of emotions and anger and tears and frustration. I'm tired and I have to be at work in 8 hours and my bed doesn't have sheets on it. My laundry is only partially folded and I need to do those things instead of being on here. But here I am, pouring out my messiness into cyberspace. No one will read it and no one will understand it and no one will help me make sense of it... and that's ok. As long as I can put is SOMEwhere instead of keeping it in my heart and brain to fester.

Am I done being alone now? Can someone rescue me before I make a bigger mess? I guess that's the point, huh? There's no one to fix it, no one to rescue me. I didn't think it was a mess before.... S made it one. And I'm truly okay with not seeing him again.... I knew it would happen. My fear is this will go on forever. I knew he would hurt me at the first opportunity. It's his way. I knew that the first time I met him. Fun has a price. And R.... he's hurting and I can't take care of him. I need someone to take care of ME. I can't handle someone who is emotionally more messy than I am... didn't think it was possible, but oh, it is! I shouldn't say that... there's lots more emotionally messy people than me... and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. But I've put in my time and worked through a BUNCH of stuff. Hence the picture.

Okay, laundry, sheets, BED. Things always look better in the morning.... right?


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