Saturday, July 22, 2006

middle of the night

It's been forever since I posted. Perhaps not literally, but it seems that way.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling tonight. It's late and I should be sleeping... and am, in fact, quite tired and sleepy, but here I am, in front of the computer. It's cooling off outside for the first time all week and I should be slumbering peacefully.

I've been waking up this week with my brain full of noise. I'm not thinking about anything in particular- for instance, at 4 a.m. yesterday morning, the song, "Ridin' Dirty" was playing in my cranium. I despise that song. Other times, there are just random thoughts and images racing through, with no order or sense at all. Trying to rein them in is difficult and often takes a half hour or more.

Last week.... I went to see the doctor last week. Twice. For lab results. You know it's not a good thing when the doctor wants to see you personally for lab results. So, I'm borderline diabetic and have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Nothing major... not really, anyway. I'm working on the diabetes thing with diet and exercise and have been for a few months now. The back injury put me on the bench for a bit. And the PCOS... well, it's a common thing. Lots of women I'm friends with have it and they can conceive just fine.

It's just... I'm tired. I'm so tired of finding out what's WRONG with me. I feel like a car on its last legs and the owner keeps taking it to the mechanic... how long before there's something that can't be fixed?

Maybe this is all too much for me to handle on my own. My friends are good about supporting me, but they're all on the outside... they have their own stuff going on. I don't want to tell my parents, because they'll just worry... and so I'm alone.

This sounds like a pity party. And maybe it partly is. I didn't expect to be carrying this without help, and maybe I need to ask for help... I don't know. Now I'm rambling.

Damn tears... and I was doing so good at avoiding them.


At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Mike said...

My wife's 29 y/o associate is battling her forth recurrence of breast cancer. She was absolutely breath takingly beautiful and brilliant. "Was" is not the right word. Guess what? Although wasted and cursed with putrid sores she beams optimism, works everyday , charishes the moment and inspires everyone that is privilege to share part of her day. She's my hero - I've learned soooo much from her.

I hope you feel better soon. Take care. ;-)

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Carae said...

Thanks, Mike... I appreciate that. This is just a little bump in the road... but it's my current mountain to climb.

At 7:44 PM, Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

You poor thing.
Sometimes we just feel down in the dumps and overwhelmed by things. I hope this weekend you will feel a lift in your spirits somehow.
Health problems can really drag on us.
You are young and talented and as I told you before... you have great hair!
I know that silly words don't take away the sadness you are feeling. I hope you will face your health challenges with strength.
Keep doing what you can about the diabetes.
I just had a polyp removed a few months ago from my female inards, and many years ago I had a laparscopic surgery that did wonders for my endometriosis. I've never blogged about those things, but I know that any health issues tend to weigh heavily on us.
Look for things to celebrate even in the midst of a lot of crappy things. I am determined to keep on smiling and enjoying my life, even if I'm not always happy with what life has served me.
I'm sending a smile and hug your way right now!!!!

At 12:08 PM, Blogger Carae said...


The smile and hug are appreciated more than you realize. I don't think I expected to deal with this quite so emotionally and it's beating me down a lil bit. Okay, maybe a lot. Thank you for sharing about your problems, too. Makes me feel slightly less alone in my struggles.

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