Saturday, July 29, 2006

...been one long week...

The week has ended much better than it started. Thank you for kind words and thoughts. I'm coming through.

I've spent the last three hours playing mindless games and listening to my music- the beauty of "shuffle". You never know what's coming next. It's like a little bit of Christmas every time a new song cues up.

I've decided my new favorite band is Carbon Leaf. They are Irish, but modern... and oh so good. Excellent bass lines and they occasionally use the accordian, tin flute and other unconventional instruments. They even do a version of Ozzy's "Crazy Train" on their live CD... specatcular!

I've also decided that the mp3 was a wise, wise investment. I'll actually listen to my music that I already own now, instead of just one CD for three months until I get tired of it.

New pictures are coming... the family golf tournament was last weekend and I've got some good shots. Soon.

Take care, y'all.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

middle of the night

It's been forever since I posted. Perhaps not literally, but it seems that way.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling tonight. It's late and I should be sleeping... and am, in fact, quite tired and sleepy, but here I am, in front of the computer. It's cooling off outside for the first time all week and I should be slumbering peacefully.

I've been waking up this week with my brain full of noise. I'm not thinking about anything in particular- for instance, at 4 a.m. yesterday morning, the song, "Ridin' Dirty" was playing in my cranium. I despise that song. Other times, there are just random thoughts and images racing through, with no order or sense at all. Trying to rein them in is difficult and often takes a half hour or more.

Last week.... I went to see the doctor last week. Twice. For lab results. You know it's not a good thing when the doctor wants to see you personally for lab results. So, I'm borderline diabetic and have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Nothing major... not really, anyway. I'm working on the diabetes thing with diet and exercise and have been for a few months now. The back injury put me on the bench for a bit. And the PCOS... well, it's a common thing. Lots of women I'm friends with have it and they can conceive just fine.

It's just... I'm tired. I'm so tired of finding out what's WRONG with me. I feel like a car on its last legs and the owner keeps taking it to the mechanic... how long before there's something that can't be fixed?

Maybe this is all too much for me to handle on my own. My friends are good about supporting me, but they're all on the outside... they have their own stuff going on. I don't want to tell my parents, because they'll just worry... and so I'm alone.

This sounds like a pity party. And maybe it partly is. I didn't expect to be carrying this without help, and maybe I need to ask for help... I don't know. Now I'm rambling.

Damn tears... and I was doing so good at avoiding them.