Friday, December 23, 2005

The Ones I Wish I Could Give

Two more days until Christmas. There are a few people I would like to give gifts to that I don't have the resources to do so.

To my sisters in Carae Domini: I give you all faith, hope and love for each other and your families. I give you a renewed zeal for what you are each called to and a fervor for loving Christ. I give you who face graduation calm despite the fears of moving on. To those of you who graduated years ago, I give the feeling of community with your sisters again, no matter how far away they are.

To the Kelleys: I give miraculous and instantaneous healing to my godchild. I give relief of all owed medical expenses. Knowing these first two are impossible for me to give, I bestow unending prayer that these will happen.

To P and G: I give acceptance in the face of judgement. I give love in the face of misunderstanding. I give hope in the face of fear.

To L: I give success and the removal of all fear from your heart. I'd also love to give you a new car!! I give you love beyond measure.

To J: I give relief from worry, and perseverance. I give patience with those who don't try to understand.

To Jac: I give faith. Bearing in mind you may not accept it, I give love and hope for better things to come. And I give you an edge up on getting the house!

To C: I give freedom from the oppression of cynicism and despair. I give you 4wheel drive and a kinder, more respectful landlord.

To R: I want to give you my heart. I want to give you what you ask for. I give you patience and understanding until I am able to freely give you what you need.

To everyone- May the joy of this season fill you completely and never let you go. May we remember what it is at Christmas that we celebrate, whatever that is for you. I celebrate the coming of Hope and Freedom in the form of a child. May you and yours find all that you need in this Christmas and in the coming new year.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Silent Night

I'm finished. All the cards are written and sent. All the gifts are wrapped. Only one more trip to the post office and my Christmas preparations are complete.

It feels good.

I found out my goddaughter gets to go home today! She's just barely a month old and two days after she was born, she had to transported across the country for emergency heart surgery for two heart defects. Her father is a good friend of mine from college and he has kept all of us family and friends posted via website throughout the process. I'm so relieved that she is being discharged. I cannot imagine being her momma right now... the worry, the helplessness, wondering if you could have done anything differently to help her develop properly... Their faith in God has helped them through this. I see a miracle in that little girl... I can't wait to meet her. Lil miracle child...

My brother comes home from college tomorrow. He bought his girlfriend a diamond necklace. I'm so impressed with him. He called just to tell me. He wouldn't tell anyone else first... which flatters the bejeebers out of me. I knew we were close... I guess I didn't realize how much that means to him, too. I love that punk...

Only two more days of work until I go home to spend time with my family. This year, I'm so excited to give the gifts that I bought/prepared. Over the last 5-6 years, I've grown in my excitement to give gifts rather than get them. I pride myself on finding the gifts that will not necessarily be perfect, but will fit the person and really show them I thought about it. I may never top the scrapbook for my parents... I still get a little teary thinking about how incredible a surprise it was and what a great reaction they had. I love giving gifts I've poured my soul into.

Merry Christmas... and may your nights be silently filled with joy.

Saturday, December 17, 2005


This is my haven, my safe place, my escape. The picture is Race Point Beach on Cape Cod, where I spent a week of my summer. I got there right at sunset... the color of the sky seems almost reflected on the sand... And so this has become my sanctuary, where I go in my head when the rest of the world is just too much. It brings me comfort, peace, and most of all, relief.

I think I've decided. I'm not entirely sure yet and I have painful conversations ahead of me, but I think I've decided. This means tears, explanations.... HURT... but in the end it has to be what it has to be. And then I will escape to my beach to be alone and be ok.

There's something about the ocean that allows me to pour all my pain and hurt and anguish and stress into it and it swallows them and fills me with peace. The ocean doesn't end... it keeps going and refreshing itself. It sustains so much life. People are drawn to it. I am drawn to it. I can be alone there and not feel lonely.

I can be alone there and not feel lonely........ This is a key statement for me. Loneliness has been a huge part of my life for the last year. The few times I thought I might have beat it.... I was disappointed. And now, when I'm at a place where being alone is ok, and being lonely might even be a little ok.... I don't know where to go. And so I retreat to my alone haven. The place where I feel full and complete without anyone next to me.

Just me and my ocean.

Friday, December 16, 2005

All Knotted Up

That's my insides. Right over there. To your left. No, your OTHER left. Yeah, not so good for sleeping. Or eating. Or breathing for that matter.

Being anxious like this reminds me of being with B. No wonder I had a dream with him in it last night! Those 4 years are ancient history, though. And this anxiety, though it feels the same, isn't the same. I still don't know if it's ok, though.

I'm a good girl. I don't get myself into these situations. This doesn't happen to people like me. Right? WRONG. Again. But I don't think I did anything wrong, did I? Did I? I'm gonna be a hermit this weekend. I'm going to sit with my anxiety and my feelings and untie. Because at the middle of the knot is my heart. I've put all these ropes around it to make things more difficult, more complicated. To make him work for it and show he really wants it. Is it fair to make it that hard?

R, thank you for your apology. I'll tell you tomorrow, but in case you get here first... thank you. There's a lot of things I'm not used to, and that is one of them. Are you sure I'm not dreaming?

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


I'm so sick of it... I spent over an HOUR arguing online with S over NOTHING... and if he's no longer a part of my life, that's FINE....

So, why am I upset? I talked to R... he wanted me to come there and spend the night... I'm not ready for that yet and he said he needed me... I'm not ready for THAT... needing me? He barely knows me! Or is that my excuse?

I'm a mess. I'm a big ball of messiness. I'm too full of emotions and anger and tears and frustration. I'm tired and I have to be at work in 8 hours and my bed doesn't have sheets on it. My laundry is only partially folded and I need to do those things instead of being on here. But here I am, pouring out my messiness into cyberspace. No one will read it and no one will understand it and no one will help me make sense of it... and that's ok. As long as I can put is SOMEwhere instead of keeping it in my heart and brain to fester.

Am I done being alone now? Can someone rescue me before I make a bigger mess? I guess that's the point, huh? There's no one to fix it, no one to rescue me. I didn't think it was a mess before.... S made it one. And I'm truly okay with not seeing him again.... I knew it would happen. My fear is this will go on forever. I knew he would hurt me at the first opportunity. It's his way. I knew that the first time I met him. Fun has a price. And R.... he's hurting and I can't take care of him. I need someone to take care of ME. I can't handle someone who is emotionally more messy than I am... didn't think it was possible, but oh, it is! I shouldn't say that... there's lots more emotionally messy people than me... and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. But I've put in my time and worked through a BUNCH of stuff. Hence the picture.

Okay, laundry, sheets, BED. Things always look better in the morning.... right?

Friday, December 09, 2005

It's the Most Wonderful Time

It really is, you know. Despite my whining about the snow and the cold and not having enough money to buy people what I really want to get them, there's something incredibly magical about Christmas. I slow down a little at Christmas and let myself get caught up in the mystery of it. Seeing a Christmas tree, even my lil fake three-foot out of the box and arrange-your-own-boughs tree... it just sets a peace in my soul that nothing else can.

I made cookies today, with Tracy. We made buckeyes, those so-rich-I-can-only-eat-ONE peanut butter balls, and the peanut butter cookies with the Hershey's kiss in the middle. Sensing a theme? I'm on vacation until Wednesday and today was a perfect day to stay in and bake and feel domestic. The snow continues to descend from the heavens- we've got at least 6-8 inches on the ground. We had so much left over chocolate from dipping the buckeyes that I've gone on a dipping rampage. I've dipped left over peanut butter cookies that we had no kisses for, mini cinnamon graham sticks and a whole bag of pretzel rods- TWICE. I finally got rid of most of the chocolate. I couldn't let it go to waste!! And now I have even more cookies to give away.

One of my favorite memories of growing up was when my mom allowed me to pick which cookie cutters we would use for cutouts. She has at least 15 different shapes for Christmas and I was allowed free reign over which ones I wanted... so much power! The sleigh... the Santa... the star, of course... the Christmas tree... and the angel. And the teddy bear!! I still get excited when it's time to help my mom with the cookies. I'm excited that I can bring a few to her this year, already constructed.

Happy pre-holidays.

A Light Shines in the Darkness

... and the darkness has not overcome it. Whenever I start to feel like things are getting to crowded or dark in my life, that line comes to mind. I believe it's in the Bible somewhere, but there's no chance I could tell you where.

Recently, I was in my apartment and it was late/early morning (however you choose to look at it), and I was pouring myself a glass of wine to wind down for the night when the lights went out. All of them. At first, I was startled and then remembered the scheduled maintenance involving no power for an hour... so I decided to make the most of it. I lit a bunch of candles and let my creative energy take over. This was my favorite shot.

I love hands. I have two black and whites of hands in my living room. Everyone's hands are different and unique and you can tell a lot by looking at hands. I'm personally very attracted to hands- the hard working kind you find on a man who knows what work is.

Speaking of men... I don't know what is to come of what happened tonight. R came to see me for the first time. Not what I expected, but since when is anyone what you expect? I'm not sure what I want. I know I liked being held, being taken care of. But.... something says, wait. And so I bend to prudence. I liked his hands, though.

A light shines in the darkness, and the darkness CANNOT overcome it. Hope, the hope I have, will not be extinguished.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


I'm frustrated because I finally have time to post and my pictures aren't uploading and now I've totally lost focus because I wanted to write about the picture and the moment of it. Durn blogger. I'll try later...